Real Family Law Blog

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Real Smart/Real Stupid

Today's question is, what is the smartest thing you did during your divorce/parenting case? And, what is the stupidest thing? Please keep your comments brief and respectful. Thanks to those who have already given great comments!

posted by Lisa Scott at 9:08 PM

74 Comments:

  • The smartest thing my ex and I did was to work out our entire agreement without the use of lawyers (no offense, Lisa) or family courts. That was 10 years ago and my daughter is almost 13 now. The stupidest thing I did was move 3000 away for four years (with ex's permission) but now we live in the same town so I reedemed myself. We share joint physical and legal.

    One other stupid thing I may have done lately is not get him to agree in writing two years ago to help me pay for 1/2 her private school like he said he would. I was being nicey nicey and now I'm stuck with the whole bill while his other two new kids go to private school. I hope I don't actually have to use the "system". It's a dilemma I hope we can work out without that.

    I sold my '64 Vette to pay for that school now he can sell his! ;-)

    By Blogger RForrest, at 12:16 PM  

  • Lisa,

    Love this web site, feels good to laugh.

    The real smart thing I did with my ex was get a clean break. I simply stopped seeing and speaking with her, after we separated and usually brought a witness for the pick up and drop off of the kids.

    The real dumb thing I did was to rely on the Courts wisdom to examine evidence and come up with a proper solution. This Orchestra is indeed playing a sour note, and failed my family.

    By Anonymous Mark Bogan, at 1:54 PM  

  • Smartest thing I ever did, was completly by accident but by a happy accident I suppose. I have kept a box that every scrap pertaining to ANYTHING related to my divorce and children, I threw in the box. Every reciept, every email, report card, drawing, everything I had. Yes the box eventually became large tupperware document cases. I never knew at first how important it was to have the papertrail I collected. I acheived my basic rights not because of my word alone. No, I had paper.

    The dumbest thing I did was fight for stuff. Only a kid is worth fighting over and stuff clouds the issues and realities. Then there is the question about fighting - but that's for another argument. I eventually replaced all my stuff with seemingly better stuff so many times now that stuff just never matters that much. I would trade the nine years of just summers for all the junk ever.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:36 PM  

  • Wayne-
    Smartest thing: Not allowing the family court and my ex to come in between my son and me. I fought the family court and won more then most. My son turned 17 yesterday and we have a wonderful relationship and never ever leave each others company without saying we love each other. And to have a boy that is 17 have no problem saying that even in front of his friends says alot.
    Stupid thing: I guess it would be to have thought our family courts in this country are fair. I still shake my head after 9 years. I can only hope there will be a fairer system in place if my son ever needs to depend on it. For now Family Court is a terribly dangerous place for men.

    By Blogger Wayne, at 2:25 PM  

  • Smartest thing, WOW ! as I look back ten years now I can't think of anything more obvious than my willingness to want to do the right thing-as some understand but not others. I can relate to you all especially Lisa Scott. What Lisa desribes is all to true-sadly. I laughed and wondered, thought and pondered. It was never possible to work it out with my X, lisa, also ,by the way. She was angry and hell bent. I can tell horror stories with what my X has done or rather tried to do with DVP's, violations of dvp's, Stalkings Orders, criminal harassment charges and more all to keep me from my children. Thanks Lisa you've brought a new side to this.

    By Blogger bobbi d., at 5:35 PM  

  • The dumbest thing I did was to move to this country and not divorce my ex a while ago! The second dumb thing that I did was to listen to legal plan attorney and to go for an SOC for my DV case (yes, I learned what it is after I was wrongfully accused when in my backyard and spending some time in jail). This whole unreal experience is very similar to what my grandpa went through in Soviet goulags.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:40 PM  

  • The smartest thing I did was to hit the books myself and find a way to get my perpetually moving ex into court. The dumbest thing I did was not attempting to enjoin her from moving to HAWAII WHILE THE CASE WAS PENDING. My lawyer was either powerless or stupid.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:31 AM  

  • Smartest thing....delay my court case until I had a good share of time with my Daughter, enough to get Joint Custody.

    Stupidest...actually believe I had a chance at getting anything else, or that an attorney I paid would be willing to fight for my rights. Very diffricult to find an attorney in Las Vegas that would fight for a Father's rights. They just agree to the un-fair laws already established.

    By Anonymous LVC, at 2:45 PM  

  • Thank you so much for this web site. Being able to laugh at the insanity and hell of Family Courts keeps me sane. Just back from 1/2 of valentines Day in Family Court with my fiance. $1,000 paid in so called arrears to stay out of jail. Social Services seems to be the only organization in this country that doesn't provide written statements of payments made.They say you owe it and you pay to stay out of jail. Smartest thing by far--my fiance ever did- start paying weekly support by internet electronic funds transfer!!! Very important to do!!
    Dumbest thing ever-- A credit card to the custodial parent and an old Porsche to the kids. Ex wife is using it as "evidence" that Dad has more money that he can pay. Thanks for the blog site.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:10 AM  

  • Smart. I knew that feminist wanted to pretend to equality by using the code word "Primary Caretaker" (Read as mother) as the party that should be favored in court in a custudy battle.

    I was the primary caretaker - I thought that would help me in court.

    Stupid: Letting my lawyer drag things out for a few more hours believing that he thought a man as "primary caretaker" would be given the same leverage as a woman.

    Just before court he said "ya know, the judge might not see it they way we do. Courts tend to support the mothers and most people think a guy being the "primary caretaker" is a little weird. They might give her custody anyway. LUCKILY she didn't think it was fair to have me care for the kids while she worked full-time and then "take them" from me. And I didn't think it would have been fair to repay her for supporting us, by stealing the children from her... we aggreed, without a fight, to be fair. For me, as a man, I felt lucky and I should not have had to feel lucky to have joint custody of my children, whether I was there primary caretaker or not.

    By Blogger Zorro, at 4:46 PM  

  • The smartest thing I did is stay involved with the children, no matter what. Ignoring her attitude and concentrating only on the children, and being their dad is the only way.
    The stupidest thing is actually believing that she would tell the truth, and that the "professionals" would "know" when she was not telling the truth.
    I've found that doing the "right" thing, no matter what she does or says, lets you sleep at night. Keeping a good attitude, staying positive, and being VERY patient, will help you make it through it. But most of all, DO NOT GIVE UP on the children.

    By Blogger dsr8time, at 7:33 AM  

  • the dumbest thing was to trust my lawyer and the judge, both men hating greedy people who could not care about my kids.

    smartest? eh...... nothing. The collossal child support the resulted has virtually destroyed my ability to move my life forward on any front. and my chldren suffer greatly for it.

    By Anonymous man in ma, at 5:16 AM  

  • The smartest thing:File a restraining order against her the same day she filed against me. She was removed from the home immediately. The dumbest thing: relying on the lawyer to follow up on insuring the stbx got a court ordered drug test. Lessoned learned. Never trust anybody.Divorce and Child Custody is War.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:05 PM  

  • I don't get it. The site first sounded like a fair minded site - but upon reading several items on the website it appears to be just another father bashing website - I guess I'll just move on to try and find a site that helps fathers going through a divorce.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:41 PM  

  • Dear Anonymous: This site is absolutely not a "father-bashing" site. It's the system that bashes fathers, and I'm trying to do my best to achieve reform so it is fair for everyone. It is too bad that when I write satirical pieces some people think I'm serious. I'm using whatever skills I can to make points, and hopefully make changes. Please don't give up on this site and the rest of us reformers, we really are trying to make things better.

    By Blogger Lisa Scott, at 1:01 AM  

  • I love this site. I was beginning to think my situation was unique, my wife filed a false DV against me and I luckily got it dismissed, but now I am in the middle of what is going to be a messy divorce and custody battle of my 4 month old daughter.

    To answer the initial question, the smartest thing I have done; Went through all her stuff after she left and found some letters that I feel will prove her insanity.

    The dummest; I am starting to think believing my attourney is worth a hoot and putting up with him not doing anything for me to see my daughter for going on 3 weeks now.

    After I get through all this I am seriously thinking about starting a service to help men in this situation here locally. I am already a business owner, but I think this work may just be a more important resource and more of a fulfilling career.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:59 AM  

  • Lisa: I am new to this website but I think I love you.....Seriously, thanks for pointing out all of the bias in the system.
    To say I had done anything smart at all would require me to say I have won on any matter - and I haven't. I would warn anyone out there from Illinois - this state has the most one-sided biased system of any I am aware of. Be careful.

    The dumbest thing I ever did was to trust my ex and to trust the system here in Illinois to be fair. I was so naive before my divorce and I should have thought things through more.

    By Blogger ILDAD, at 6:21 AM  

  • This post has been removed by a blog administrator.

    By Blogger Isidoro Rodriguez, at 8:45 AM  

  • Dumbest thing: go in debt to hire a shyster divorce lawyer. (I detest the term Family Law.)

    Smartest thing: To have the shyster repeat his question in a Protective Orer hearing as to why I thought they had filed on me. I then attacked him and his motives, not my ex, which resulted in a 3-way conference between the judge and the two lawyers.

    By Anonymous Ken Brewer, at 7:29 AM  

  • The smartest thing I did was tell my daughter two things when she was old enough to understand. First, I explained, affirmed and repeated to her that the most important thing is that I love you and I will always be there for you.
    Secondly, I told her very young that I will never, ever, spank or hit you.

    By far the stupidest thing I did was out of compassion for the alienator mother. I backed off in 2000 on pressing forward with very likely change to more custody time for my daughter with me when the alienator mother's father died. I reasoned that if the mother wigs out more, and she was very stressed, her worsened condition resulting from me agressively litigating against her, would harm my daughter and be my responsibility. I still see that as a very valid line of thought, BUT the alienator used the evil BURGESS move-away, filing in the end of 2001. I don't kick myself, but I stand aware that the nice old lady law professor, who taught me legal writing, in her day job as an appellate justice, abused my daughter by bumping up the odeous use of time-share as the yard stick for move-away from around 35% to between 45-50%.
    My daughter had 37-43% time-share with me --so said the trial court
    and off went the alienator with my kid to Texas

    By Blogger a4clyde, at 12:49 PM  

  • Again, all fathers need to:1-calm yourselves. 2-realize that these things take ALOT of time. 3-Put the children FIRST. Might I be so bold to make a suggestion of a book? "Father's Rights" by Jeffery Leving is a great source for men, in any stage of the divorce process. It's been a great help to me to get the BIG picture, but it is not a replacement for an atty. It was the FIRST smart thing I did, which in turn led to more smart things I did, which helped negate some of the supid things I did in the beginning of the divorce process.

    By Blogger dsr8time, at 5:57 AM  

  • In reading your advice on restraining/protective orders, I believe that, while you give a lot of excellent legal advice, you fail to think "outside the box." Let me make some non-legal, outside the box suggestions: 1) Don't hire a lawyer. The Beast (Family Law) doesn't give a damn about you, or justice, and will process you either way, but at least you won't be giving it as much money. 2)Try to stay out of court by subpoenaing old and infirm witnesses in your wife's family. Your lawyer won't try to keep the case out of court beecause that's how he makes his money. 3) Don't kill yourself. If that is the only option, then make it count, but don't kill your wife, no matter what she's done, because she's the mother of your children. 4) Never threaten or warn anyone. 5) Don't play by their rules. For instance, don't observe legal courtesies,like notifying opposing counsel when you have replied to their filing. You're not a lawyer, so you have a ready-made excuse. Really ticks them off. 6) Learn all the personal information about opposing counsel that you can and use it to attack him if you do go to court. The reason you are there is him, not her. 7) Remember, the overriding legal precept of Family Law is, "Man bad, woman good." I beat a Protective Order using these principles. The fact that it was based on a pack of lies had little to do with it. I still endured 7 months of persecution under a TRO issued at a Gestapo style ex-parte hearing and extended by a judge who couldn't make up her mind. I had never known pure, self destructive hatred before that.

    By Anonymous Ken Brewer, at 1:20 PM  

  • Smartest: bought a treo cellphone, with camera, and a keyboard so I could take dated notes and even pictures about everything that happened. Should have done that years ago to prove that I was accurate, and she was lying.

    Dumbest: in "commuting" to ex's new state where the kids were with parenting time, I should have ALWAYS carried a copy of the orders with me and called the cops on every instance of denied visitation. Without the order the cops told me they could do nothing. And I hesitated to call them as I didn't want a scene in front of the kids.

    By Blogger Jacques Cuze, at 8:22 AM  

  • The stupid thing was to allow my wife, at that time, to stay with her parents and our son a week after I went back to work. Father took three months off for paternity leave. The following week after my paternity leave the Calvary started. Now two 2 ½ years latter and divorce still going on.

    The smartest thing I did was not to listen to my ex attorney, when I was requesting bifurcation. My ex-attorney told me I won’t get it, don’t even go to the court. I did not listen, removed him as my attorney and represented my self, a few week’s later I got my single status.
    No offence Lisa. I still need an attorney, unfortunately I can afford one due to the fact she won’t agree on anything and she will extend it as much a she can.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:37 PM  

  • The stupid thing was to allow my wife and our son, at that time, to stay with her parents a week after I went back to work. Father took three months off for paternity leave. The following week after my paternity leave the Calvary started. Now two 2 ½ years latter and the divorce still going on.

    The smartest thing I did; was not to listen to my ex attorney, when I was requesting bifurcation. My ex-attorney told me I won’t get it, don’t even go to the court. I did not listen, removed him as my attorney and represented my self, a few week’s later I got my single status.
    No offence Lisa. I still need an attorney, unfortunately I can afford one due to the fact she won’t agree on anything and will extend it as much a she can.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:39 PM  

  • The stupid thing was to allow my wife and our son, at that time, to stay with her parents a week after I went back to work. Father took three months off for paternity leave. The Calvary started the week following my paternity leave, Now two 2 ½ years latter and divorce still going on.

    The smartest thing I did was not to listen to my ex attorney, when I was requesting bifurcation. My ex-attorney told me I won’t get it; don’t even go to the court. I did not listen, removed him as my attorney and represented my self, a few weeks later I got my single status.
    No offence Lisa. I still need an attorney but unfortunately I can afford one due to the fact she won’t agree on anything and will extend it as much a she can, and it'll cost a lot of money.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:44 PM  

  • You gotta be kidding me. Kindly humor me, as I come from entirely different parts than most of you probably do. I'm in the "great Southwest", where there is a presumption by the courts that shared custody is best for the kids.

    Problem here, there's a good ol boys network from here across the whole damn state which apparently plans to make women pay for what was unfair to fathers in the past. My ex b/f has a billionaire mom and dad, and he took my daughter in a case filled with lies and cheating and suspicion of actual illegal activity (talking on the phone to the judge)....I have no custody of my own daughter, whom I gave birth to by C-section nine years ago at great risk to my own health, and raised for 6 years without him in our home. NO. he was not in the home. I left him when I was 7.5 months along, because he hit me while I was pregnant, causing me to finally grow angry enough to both pop him in the chin with my fist and to leave the 8 year abusive relationship. They do exist. I know this is somewhat played for laughs, this site....however please understand that I did none of the things a "bad mother" is supposed to have to do to lose all custody. I did nothing but express a desire to continue working together as we had, and to not fight dirty or fight over her at all. He and the dirtiest lawyer he could get said no.....and they continue to keep me away from my only child to this day. The latest GAL is about 20-32 years old, I would guess, and is not brainy enough to understand that his "known bad temper" is more a propensity for domestic violence than it is a fluke. And that my daughter has been manipulated and lied to, even tape recorded for many years. That his violence toward the new wife he married as showmanship during the early hearings continues just as he was violent with me. I have two supervised visits a week, for two hours. and I have to pay the super 25$ a pop. He pays half, but what he pays does not matter to him. It should be obvious to this court by now that this man is continuing to abuse me with the help of the courts; they allow him to maintain the control he has always needed so badly. I cannot even get a lawyer in this town, that is how bad this is. I have no money for an attorney, in any case, but even if I did, they would say no. I'm disabled, and they tried to use that against me just as they used every little thing, mostly lies made up by he and his attorney.

    I was going to have a hearing to try to get back my right to have her at home every other lousy weekend like a year ago, but my mom has an emergent health problem that could kill her, and we were unable under this stress to prepare. She is not fit for the hearing and I've had to continue the matter. He even persists now, keeping her away from the grandmother who has been so close to this child all of her life. She could die, and he would have effectively kept them apart these last few years.

    I am sorry I cannot be humorous about my situation. If I could report this to the media, I would...but his attorney would use that to try to make me look "unstable" like he is using reports I made to the bar association against he and two other attorneys in the case.

    So, I am probably sunk. My child will grow up pretending her idiot of a stepmom, who likes the money she now has, is her mother, and not having a real relationship with me, and I have a lot to offer this child of mine.

    I am not a man. I am a woman. And a very dirty court system took my child from me. So I ask you...is it really better to have a state govt that believes in "shared custody"? This is not shared custody, is it?

    I have never felt so alone and so helpless in my life.

    By Anonymous Desperate and Heartbroken in a "shared parenting" state, at 2:02 PM  

  • Smart / Never lied to my kids. Stupid / Think there was justice and or morality in the court system people.

    By Blogger Chip, at 12:39 PM  

  • Smartest/ Never lied to my children Stupidest / Thinking that anyone involved in the judicial system had decency, morality or any character at all...

    By Blogger Chip, at 12:42 PM  

  • Hi Lisa,

    First time at the site. I am almost throught he horror of family law (youngest is a senior in HS) but what I went through still dumbfounds me.

    The smartest and most stupid thing I did at my divorce was the same issue. It was letting my ex-wife have the usual custody arrangement.

    She worked 50 miles one way from our home and I worked 25 miles the other way. She moved to the town where she worked and we settled into a every-other-weekend custody arrangement. My children were 7 and 9 at the time of divorce so I wanted to make sure their schooling and daily lives weren't interrupted. I never missed a weekend, a school function or a sporting event that my sons were involved in (I was driving there after work probably 4-5 times a week).
    Within 3 years I had changed jobs and bought a house in the same town as her, just so I can get more involved in my children's daily lives. You would think that she would welcome the fact that I was actively participating. But, when I asked for a equal-shared custody arrangement, she said no way.

    I made a hard choice at the time of the divorce that was in the best interest of the kids and now, I was being denied the right to parenting. Well, needless to say, I had to take her back to court, convince the judge that my ex-wife was not being penalized by a reduction in child support because the support money was for my kids and was not hers in the first place.
    I won the case, which surprised me because it was a female judge.

    By Anonymous RJay, at 4:30 AM  

  • The smartest thing I did - I moved past being with my son's mother. Life went on (although it didn't seem like it would at the time). I also never gave up on spending time with my son.... ever.

    Dumbest thing; I assumed the gentlmen doing a custody study would do his job - and son's mom would tell the truth. $ 30k down the drain trying for equal placement.

    Verdict; live your life as if what he/she does has no bearing on what you do (the best revenge is living well). Don't expect a beaurocrat to do thier job.

    By Anonymous Warren, at 7:36 AM  

  • The smartest thing I ever did was to divorce my ex-wife (she had serious psychological/emotional problems).

    The dumbest thing I did was to divorce my ex-wife (we have 2 young children together that I will never be able to be a real father to because of California's family law courts).

    By Blogger Jon G., at 12:06 PM  

  • The smartest thing I did was to divorce a woman who had severe emotional/psychological problems.

    The dumbest thing I did was to divorce a woman who had severe emotional/psychological problems because in California family court, such things do not matter and I will never be able to be a real father to our 2 precious children (merely a visitor).

    By Blogger Jon G., at 12:12 PM  

  • The smartest thing that I did was get help for being an abuser. Being arrested actually helped me to get real help, and now I have a much better life. The anger that I didn't want to control ruined my work and school, same with family. But now I have a fresh start with the person that forgave me. She's to blame for her issues, but I'm to blame for mine and that's all I can control.

    The dumbest thing is acting like a victim, instead of looking at things that I could do. That's the problem that women faking it have, but also men that twist sites like yours to think they didn't do anything wrong.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:21 AM  

  • To Desperate and Heartbroken: You ran into the one rule of Family Law wdhich trumps the prime rule of Woman Good, Man Bad, ant that rule is that the party that has unlimited money wins! Denny Crane verbalized that in Boston Legal as being the primary rule of all American law.

    By Anonymous Ken Brewer, at 2:57 PM  

  • Not knowing it was happening! One day - a loving wife; The next - the enemy that will do anything, I mean anyting to hurt me.
    I should have fought harder faster. Although, all the records I kept meant nothing!
    It's hard, but one has to fight the ex-spouse and the system...

    By Blogger Mike, at 5:35 PM  

  • The smartest thing I did was to begin tape recording my sons mother from the moment she told me she was pregnant along with her parents,her lawyers,and the police. So to say the least I was ready when the false accusations were presented in court for the first time by her so called respectful liars oops lawyers (Freudian slip). The dumbest thing I ever did was to give her credit that she could change her ways. 4 years later when police showed up at the babysitters with lights flashing and information contrary to what I had been told followed by a court affidavit of 100 parragraphs of false accussations collaborated by the babysitter who did not wish to loose a portion of her income to my parrents who were willing to look after our son for free. At least I had continued to tape record my sons mother much to her and her liars surprise. The babysitter was also surprise that I had been recording her which she found out after examinations were held. She now has her own liar.
    Derrick.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:37 PM  

  • The smartest thing I did, was to quit paying child support. My ex then had no use for our children as pawns in her game of child abusing chess.

    The stupidest thing I did, was to hire lawyers. The outcome was decided long before my case started, and the process is only needed to insure the outcome, is in the best interest of the lawyers.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:44 AM  

  • The smartest thing my cousin has done is recorded all phone calls from her soon-to-be ex and his live-in girlfriend. He abandoned my cousin and their 5 month old baby to go live with an old girlfriend (and have a baby with her). He comes back 18 months later and files for divorce saying my cousin is an adulterer and a prostitute. And his girlfriend says she's my little cousin's stepmother and that my cousin is crazy.

    The stupidest thing was not filing an answer to his divorce petition immediately, responding to his house of lies. Things would be so much better now if my cousin had fought back hard at the beginning.

    The system stinks!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:18 AM  

  • The smartest thing I did was to divorce my ex, although had I known how the system works I would have handled things differently.

    Dumbest thing I did was to believe that truth would lead to justice. Justice doesn't exist for dads, they create an aberration of reality in court so they can support the decisions they make.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:38 AM  

  • This post has been removed by a blog administrator.

    By Blogger mspring, at 8:40 PM  

  • Smartest thing - when I arrived in the state my wife fled too, my wife put an Order of Protection banning me from all contact from my daughter. I immediatly filed Legal seperation which did not have the 6 month waiting period.

    Dumbest - Didn't get divorced sooner.

    By Blogger mspring, at 8:43 PM  

  • Question:How can an ethical and moral person choose a profession which not only destrpys families and men, but also is destroying the finest medical system in history, one whose chief value is greed and whose major tools are lies and intimidation?

    Answer: The only moral and ethical lawyers are new to the profession.

    By Anonymous Ken Brewer, at 8:21 AM  

  • Lisa
    This site would be funny if it weren't true in most cases.
    I have to ask, how did you miss the feminist train? Why are you concerned for the rights of men and children where most women are only concerned with women and use children as weapons of war?
    Were there no wimmins studies in your college?

    Okay enough questions and you can sum it with one answer. Why are you concerned with fairness when most are not?

    By Blogger Billy, at 10:52 PM  

  • Dear Billy:

    Short answer to your question, conservative upbringing, interest in truth and justice. After years of seeing injustice perpetrated on too many men and fathers, I had to do something. I can't just sit by and let this stuff happen. I don't know why more don't do this, but at least there's a few of us out here.

    By Blogger Lisa Scott, at 12:47 AM  

  • I am a woman having a very hard time with my ex. I just wanted to say that I feel for the hard-working, good-hearted men out there getting their b**ls caught in the revolving door of justice. I hope for all of us that our focus stays on the kids, because after you start with this crap, no one wins, no way.

    The smartest thing I did was to focus on my daughter, trust my common sense, be truthful, work hard, and absolutely insist that my ex have no direct contact with me after repeated abuse in front of our daughter.

    The dumbest thing was to take so long listening to him and trying to reason with him, and not keeping a log.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:18 AM  

  • I think we as survivors of the me,me,me generation should pass on to our kids that kids are not important....we should advocate masturbation as a way of life and forget living with someone else..as for kids, be a big brother to kids forced to stay away from their dads instead of being dads yourself

    By Blogger shirleyandrews, at 1:39 PM  

  • This is an interesting web site. Everyone seems to be concerned with who is going to pay. It is funny how the system works. One of the parents typically gets to see the kids every other weekend and pay for at least half of the child's costs in life.

    I've often wondered 1. why the recipient of child support, the mother or father, does not have to account for what is being spent. 2. If the mother is the person that has physical custody of the child, why does the man have to pay support even if the child is not his biological child? 3. This is a good one, why is it that I have custody of my son and my ex has custody of my daughter, yet I have to pay my ex $250 per week in support? This has gone on for years and the kicker is that my ex has not seen or spoken to my son for over 7 years. HMMMMMM, sounds like EQUALITY only applies when one wants it to apply.

    By Blogger SKS, at 10:17 AM  

  • Smartest thing I did was keep in mind that the kids are not at fault

    Stupidest thing I did was pass on DNA testing and found out 12 years later that I have been paying up to $530 per week in child support for a child that is not my biological child.

    By Blogger SKS, at 10:20 AM  

  • Real smart...threatened to not close on the house we HAD to sell before the divorce (I wouldn't have gone through with it) to get him to sign the divorce agreement my attorney had drawn up. It was the ONE and ONLY ounce of authority I had the intire time and I had to use it.

    Most stupid thing....not being more greedy on the divorce agreement. I only took 15% of our marital assets - at the time it sounded like a good deal for him (except he thought the only good deal was that I should get nothing) and I thought it was enough...within 1 year he had squandered every dime/asset he had kept. I wish I had held out for more for my kids rather than have to watch him lose it all.

    By Anonymous Bethany, at 6:17 PM  

  • Love this site... Gawd knows I can use all the humor in the world to stay balanced for my boys.

    The only smart things I have managed to do are
    1) driving 56,000 miles, 157 roundtrips, 900 hours to be with my two little boys every weekend and holiday for the past 2.2 years since my wackjob wife ran off with my children and filed an RO that was granted without evidence, and
    2) Not wasting a lot of money on attorneys that would not have had any impact on the chaos she's created.

    My boys (currently almost 7 and 8 1/2) know exactly who's to blame for the situation, have spent 48 hours a weekend with their Dad -- more than I ever had -- know that their mother is actively working to keep me out of their lives regardless of what she says, know that all the sports, music, church, friends they no longer get to do/see.

    Dumb things:
    1) avoiding many opportunities to have her arrested for driving away with my children while drunk or stoned;
    2) not keeping all the records of her playing around with other men on one of my PC's;
    3) Not moving immediately to regain full custody of my children when I rescued her from a drug overdose and she was forced into a 5150/6150 psychiatric protection stay at the local hospital;
    4) Not having an emergency plan to remove myself and my children from out newly created apartment (really an impossibility, I didn't have the resources to think about this, but would have if I had thought that she'd do all this again to me...) and get the hell out...

    Stay rational, stay calm, stay after it, stay with your children. Remember: this is a tortoise race, and the !@#$%^& courts and women -- as Lisa so humorously depicts them -- have all the bias in the world to screw you forever. While you might be able to survive, your CHILDREN WILL SUFFER irreparable damage, harm and loss, and no one but you will give a [blank].

    By Anonymous Pianodan, at 7:52 PM  

  • The Family courts are the frontend of the biggest taxpayer hoax ever perpetrated on the planet. When you hear rumours about Family court, attorneys and Judges, be faithful to your wits, not your heart. There are only two important lessons to learn, they know what you are worth, and they will flog you to within a penny of bankruptcy. They will always know what you are worth, and that is all it is about. If you do not live up to what you are worth, they will give you to their cousins the prison service, at $49 taxdollars a day, and still charge you interest. With at least a hundred thousand more of these attorneys who do their apprenticeship in Family courts, we should expect nothing less than the most corrupt Judicial system on the planet.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:05 PM  

  • This post has been removed by a blog administrator.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:31 AM  

  • Hello, thanks a lot, You'v done a great job.I can only realize how much time and resources does it take to create such a resource!Great work, I am impressed!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:25 AM  

  • Lisa

    I just read your "Tutorial for Mothers on winning child custody" thinking it could help, I'm assuming that your not a real lawyer, and just a very bitter woman. As much as I hate my x and I know he's the worst example of a man for my son to be raised with (Dosn't work and gose through tons of girlfriends) I couldn't do any of those low things. Although it was quite amusing.

    Thanks,
    But you didn't help me at all.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:26 AM  

  • This post has been removed by a blog administrator.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:23 PM  

  • The smartest thing I did was not to allow the system to beat me down I have returned to College, after Judge Barnett, at my ex request, ordered me to quit college in 2001, when I was trying to learn English and to have a way to exit the vicious marriage... I am completing my BA in paralegal studies and have learned to represent myself in court.

    The stupidiest: Was for me to allow Judge Barnett to order me out of college and to believe a judge could actually to that. Since I had no money to challenge it on appeal, I felt in the pit, depression, and welfare.

    now I know, judges are puppets of corrupted lawyers and vicious ex-partners...and yes, they write un- enforceable orders. Would a court found me in contempt for not stop attending college? how stupid was that? I hope one day to face Barnett in public and tell her what I feel.
    Grasa

    By Anonymous grasa, at 7:34 PM  

  • The smartest thing that my husband and I did in the parentage custody case with his ex was to go pro se and keep a poker face when we offered a decent (i.e. equitable) child support settlement and joint custody while reminding her that we weren't paying attorney's fees anymore.

    The two dumbest things we ever did (on the advice of the attorney we eventually fired) was accept a GAL from the list provided by her attorney instead of using the standard random GAL roster provided by the courts and trusting that GAL to recognize her bullshit. The GAL used every trick in the book (particularly editing quotes out of context) to make my husband look like he was admitting that the mom should have full custody of his son and bent over backwards to minimize any negative findings against the mom.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:29 PM  

  • I need some advice for a friend of mine.He is spanish but has been living and working in the Uk for 35 years .He is 63 is frail and ill and has not worked for the last 3 years.He is totally non abusive and hardly ever even swears.He has just yesterday discovered that his wife has been having an affair with some guy for the last 6 years.He confronted her
    and she said to him"SO WHAT" and now wants him out of the house presumably to replace him with the new model.
    She is 20 years younger than him,
    they live in a council house and only her name is on the rent book.
    She has a bit of a work record as
    a toughie and she is obviously the main breadwinner,he has nowhere to go as most of his family are dead
    and there is no issue from this marriage.I don't see any chance of reconciliation.I tell him to stay put and do absolutely nothing but am I right?I worry that she will
    be advised to rush down the police station and say" I'm frightened" as
    appears par for the course in this
    gynarchy.Any ideas?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:40 AM  

  • Smartest thing I did....Believe my child.
    Dumbest thing I did......
    Trust a corrupt money hungry system.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:20 PM  

  • Chronologically, The dumbest thing that I ever did was 'forgive' the first act of drunken, violent behaviour, and continue my engagement with her.

    The second dumbest thing was to believe that after filing for divorce less than 30 days into my marriage, that I relented and believed that 'this time' she would seek counseling.

    The 3rd dumbest thing was to become a father with her.

    The 4th dumbest thing was to relent on my DV charge against her, and ask that the prosecutor and court dismiss the charge against her, then allow her back into my home.

    The stupidity continues, but the smartest thing I ever did was to (finally) stick to my decision to leave her, and go through all of the suffering that she and the court system could throw at me. The result is that I'm a single dad of two wonderful kids, and she's got supervised visitation.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:37 PM  

  • Lisa,

    I love and hated your article, describing what you learned after 10 years.

    I loved it because you hit the nail right on the head of the steps women go through, probably due to the fact that they get a scripted check list from organizations like Alexander house.

    you have described exactly what went on step by step.
    From escalated violence with her calling the police because I changed the password on the computer ( after she made me lose 3 hours of work, and she has her own computer downstairs) to her false DV charge against me where she actually followed me to the car attempting to pull our 2 1/2 year old daughter from my arms, then getting on top of me in thd drivers seat still pulling at her.

    She did not call 911 but rather called a female officer who told her to call her directly from one of many police visits.

    I also hated it because it shows just how scripted the system is and no one will change this.

    paragraph by paragraph you nailed it. Even the point of her limiting out a charge card and spending money like it is going out of style. I canceled the charge cards and took on paying for the groceries entirely, paying for everything and not letting her have access to my checking account to stop the money sieve. This makes me look controlling, not responsible like it should.

    She of course refused to get a job so guess what.. $1500 month spousal support and we were only married 4 years.

    How does that quote go? "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."

    When will the System have enough people with morals enough to change it?


    I'm not saying that I have a recording of a conversation between my soon to be ex and Alexander house since that would be breaking the law.... but...
    If I had one. It would have the Alexander houses rep asking my soon-to be-ex if she was afraid of me. My ex would say " No, he would never raise a hand against me. I know him".. Alexander house rep would say something like " I sure wish you were afraid of him, If you were afraid of him you could get an Order For Protection today and kick him out of the house. How much money does he make?".. Then they would go on to discuss how much money she would get.

    I would love to get a tape like this out on the airways.. anonymously of course.

    3 weeks later.... guess what happens. yup, kicked out of the house I built by hand and the female police officer that believed the bull was called directly to push for the arrest.


    Right now there is an OFP going both ways but I am the only one charge and have to defend myself.

    If there is anything you can do to help me please respond.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:25 AM  

  • Aginelo Productions
    presents a new documentary called SUPPORT? SYSTEMDOWN? About Fathers Rights and the Flaws in the court system we are please help us spread the word here is are website link to view the trailers.

    www.supportthemovie.com/trailers/

    By Anonymous conrad, at 11:46 AM  

  • Please write anything else!

    By Anonymous <a href="http://users2.TitanicHost.com/asusan/index2.html">country roads tours in wv</a>, at 7:45 AM  

  • The smartest thing that I done was before the wedding by writing a pre-nuptial agreement, saved everything that I owned.
    The dumbest thing was leaving myself open to false accusations that landed me in jail for the first time in my life.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:14 AM  

  • Although i live in New Zealand, everything applies here too, the same laws and attitudes have been spread throughout all industrial countries. BTW , i love your irreverant humour Lisa, lol.

    Back to the questions :


    stupidest ("dumbest" to americans) was to listen TOO much to fathers' groups, they did actually give me lots of tips to help my case, but more importantly they said i had 0% chance of winning , but at the hearing, things went my way and i now have shared custody which starts in January 2008

    smartest thing was to trust my lawyer, right at the end of the hearing she told me that she was brought up her dad since 7 years old, and all the womens' groups hate her .

    By Anonymous KiwiDad, at 1:05 AM  

  • I'm a father's rights lawyer in Maryland. I've seen a few real smart (like staying in the house until there is an agreement on custody) to real stupid (like moving to the other side of the country so the wife can stay home, not work, and the toddler can keep going to Montessori school at $30K a year) cases.

    The smartest thing you can do as dads is be a part of your kids' lives starting RIGHT NOW, give up the idea that you are a wallet with two legs, and commit yourselves to learning how to nurtures your kids as a father.

    I'd recommend Will Glennon's book, "The Collected Wisdom of Fathers." I wish I'd had it when MY kids were small . . . and I was the mom.

    You can visit my website at: http://www.marylandfamilylawfirm.com

    By Blogger Dawn Elaine Bowie, Esquire, at 9:31 AM  

  • This is a funny, clever and spot-on website. There is compounding societal destruction everytime the legal system destroys a family and ultimately the individuals in the family.

    Smartest thing I did was to stay married and work hard on the issues.

    Dumbest thing was to be involved with the legal system at all.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:24 AM  

  • Great Site! I had no problems with ex. My son )5 at the time) wanted to live with me. I'm a father's rights activist, a Constitutionalist, and a lover of all things underdog. Men's and father's rights is the biggest underdog in western civil.. BTW I don't use censor loving google, so I don't and won't have a google id...Tony Sprout; Ohio

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:43 PM  

  • Smartest this I ever did was father the three lights of my life(3,5,and7). Stiupidest was protecting my wife while I was abused(Slaps across the face, etc...) by her nearly once a week for the sake of a whole family.

    Last week she filed a false accusation of DV. Now I am out of the house, havent seen my kids in almost a week. I am emotionally leveled. I love my kids more than life itself. I am completely heartbroken as I really do still love my wife very much. I am lost without a home and my family...very difficult to believe it will ever be any better for me as my entire world has been pulled down around me....

    sorry for the vent, but I am just very sad...

    By Anonymous SadDAD_3YoungBabes, at 11:51 PM  

  • I love this site. It's hilarious and rings full of truth. I'm actually not divorced but reread this entire site every few months because it reminds me what's important, centers me and it's great therapy to laugh at such a ridiculous system we have for dealing with families.

    Don't get me wrong. I feel for every person that has posted their personal battles on these pages and I have certainly have had my own.

    Remember you are good deserving, fathers and never give up. Your children wouldn't want you to so focus on them.

    The smartest thing I did was using a cooperative, non-antagonistic approach to resloving issues. Maybe I was lucky.

    The dumbest thing was to not realize earlier how biased the system is and once in it, you are subject to the whim of VAWA and its network of well-funded powers.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:11 PM  

  • love the site! Wish you updated more though!

    Smartest #1: file a restraining order the same day she filed one against me. Judge threw them both out.

    Smartest #2: Realizing that if you keep your wits about you you have just as good a chance as your ex-wife in custody battles.

    Smartest #3: Getting the phone calls changed from "reasonable accomodation" to 7:00 every night.

    Smartest #4: Realizing that EVERYTHING is modifiable, and can be used in negotiation.

    Dumbest thing #1: Not being informed enough to realize what was going on as the divorce started. You really do feel like a deer in the headlights...

    Dumbest #2: Letting her come back in the apartment while I was at work for a week after she had moved out to stay at her sisters (with my child). She took every single shred of documentation there was every day for a week. I finally got smart and got a RO and changed the locks.

    Final dumbest: Listening to my attorney when she said that past medical history (psychotic episodes, seeing things, hearing voices) did not matter in a divorce case.

    Words of wisdom: There is no such thing as a family law attorney for men. That is just dumb advertising. I have been through so many attorneys that now when I interview I ask 1. How many MEN have you represented, and 2. How many cases when representing MEN have you won? Answer: ZERO and ZERO is typical...family law is a joke!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:18 PM  

  • Your wit on the family court system is refreshing. Humor is always a good way to handle the sad truth of family execution courts. Sometime one thinks a family gas chamber would be more civil then the secret Star Chamber hearings and back office asset distribution that feeds the profiteers of the family court.

    Dumbest thing did: Actually believed that the women center advocate was there to help resolve issues.

    Smartest thing: Began to attack the opposing lawyer, Phycholigist, womens center for the fabricated positions.

    Result: One lawyer/Judge sanctioned by the State Supreme Court. Phycholigist removed from the favorate sons list of court evaluators and associated complaint to the board of Phyco Examiners, Finally , Had an unlisenced women advocate posing as a phycholigist removed from the women center staff along with insurance carrior permanetely dropping this center from any further claims.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:14 AM  

  • The dumbest thing I did was to believe it's an actual justice system, rather than a legal system.

    The courts really don't care if your wife is unfaithful. If she was a stay-at-home mom, she is automatically more qualified to be mom, regardless of who is better with money, keeping promises, cooking a balanced meal, etc.

    At least the child support puts a cap on how much she gets each month. It is far less than she was spending when she was married to me.

    So even if she is using it on her affair partner, it's still less than she was getting when I was married to her.

    That means I actually have MORE to spend on our child when I am with her, and don't have to endure the constant criticism that my boundaries are too strict, etc.

    So the Real Smart part was that I recognized a pretty good settlement, kept the home and after years of our daughter seeing how both parents operate, she is choosing to spend more and more time with her father, because she recognizes the rules are not unrealistic, provide structure and order in her life, and dad has money saved, has time for her when she calls, and is willing to listen and to speak candidly, but not harshly about what happened between myself and her mom.

    The other smart thing was to allow my former wife to put a value on the marital home. So while she was assigned less of the marital debt due to her very low income, she more than made up for that by putting a really low value on the home.

    With this, plus the dot.com crash, she got very little in the settlement.

    Guys, if you marry again, keep your 401(k), IRA and pension statement from the day you married. At least in IL, all of that comes off the table if you get divorced. They are not marital assets.

    By Blogger Tony, at 2:42 PM  

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